I Can Make You... Less Fat?

So several people have brought to my attention a new weight loss guru making the scene. His name is Paul McKenna and he's British and the name of his book/show/system is "I Can Make You Thin."

Really? Short of moving me to Ethiopia and restricting my diet to rancid water and flies, I will never in my life be "thin." Thinner? Hopefully. Healthier? God willing, but in the words of a nurse I once had, "Boy, you thick!"

Look at Oprah. Poor woman has got more money than most small to medium size countries, access to the best nutritionists and health food chefs money can buy plus a small army of trainers and motivational gurus and she's still not anywhere close to being "thin!" She never will be. And despite what this cheeky bastard claims, most of us never will be either.

This is one of my biggest problems with skinny people telling fat people what to do. Something as innocuous as the title of this guy's show is already setting up half of America for failure. But there us fatties go, snapping up his books like they're the last three shrimp in an all you can eat buffet. I'm guessing I Can Make You Less Fat wouldn't fly off the shelves nearly as well.

Also, I don't see anywhere in his bio that this guy has ever had anything resembling an issue with his own weight. Now don't get me wrong, not all skinny people are idiots. But let's say you need brain surgery. Are you going to the guy that's got some interesting theories on the subject or the guy that's actually done it? Exactly.

OK, rant over, on to what this guy is all about.

His golden rules are:
1. When you are hungry, eat.
2. Eat what you want.
3. Eat consciously.
4. When you think you are full stop.

Basically eat whatever you want, just eat less of it. Simple enough, and on the surface sounds reasonable, but I've got a few issues with it from a fatty's perspective (big surprise, I know).

1. Eat when I'm hungry?
We've established long ago fat people are ALWAYS hungry. But I can eat all the time and you can still make me thin? Excellent!
2. Eat whatever I want?
Isn't that what made me fat in the first place? Should I not at least try to mix in a salad or serving of vegetables every once in a while?
3. Eat slower and not in front of the TV or in your car.
Fair enough.
4. Stop when I'm full?
Sorry, I can't stop laughing... see number one.

I get what he's saying. If you only eat when you "need" to, don't plow through your plate and don't restrict yourself, you're much less likely to binge and you'll drop a few pounds. But make a fat person thin? C'mon. Plus, all of this is a helluva lot easier said by a skinny than done by a fatty.

Which leads me to his most incredulous claim: that his system requires no will power. Are you kidding me? I can starve myself for a week easier than I can shove away from a half eaten double cheeseburger or chicken fried steak staring me right in the face.

Personally, I have to get what's bad for me out of the picture. I'm not claiming I won't ever eat at a fast food joint or have a piece of fried chicken again, but once I start a step, that bad choice is completely taken off the table for the rest of the twelve weeks. Imagine putting this guy's same rules in place for a drunk:

1. Drink whenever you feel thirsty.
2. Drink whatever you want.
3. Drink consciously.
4. Stop when you start to feel a little drunk.

Sounds like a great way to kick the habit doesn't it? A true addiction or not, I believe most fat people's "abuse" of food is nothing but a bad habit. And just as bad habits are ingrained over time, good habits can be too. Cutting the unhealthy choices I make out of my life altogether one at a time gets rid of the temptations. Yes, it's hard. As hell! But like an alcoholic to booze, it's just not an option anymore.

Plus, I'm finding as I avoid foods that aren't good for me, I'm losing the taste for them. You could set an IV drip of salt, sugar and grease into me a couple of months ago. Today, these former "staples" sound much less appealing.

So, in conclusion: No, I do not think Paul McKenna can make me "thin" which makes him just another skinny person telling lies to fat people.