Doing It "Healthy"

No, this isn't that kind of blog.

I'm talking about losing weight the healthy way, whatever that may be.

First, a disclaimer: In no form or fashion do I advocate the practice of vomiting, laxatives, diuretics, stimulants or any other "fat-annihilating" pills purchasable off late night TV. To me, engaging in something life-threatening in an attempt to overcome something life-threatening is pointless. It's robbing Peter to pay Paul.

That said, it never fails - anytime I start a diet or weight loss effort or whatever, some skinny person is all too eager to let me know what I'm doing is unhealthy. As if walking around at three bills is? I boast about losing 4 pounds in a week and the bird-like pissant chirps that anything more than 2 pounds is unhealthy. Despite the fact that I can have a bowel movement over two pounds, losing any more than that in a week is somehow bad for me? Surely there's some law of proportion here, but skinny people preach this one like it's the eleventh commandment.

MEMO TO SKINNY PEOPLE:
We're all very impressed that when you try to turn your last five pounds of flab into muscle you eat six small meals a day and keep your weight loss to minuscule amounts. But if it's all the same to you, just let us go on our "unhealthy" way and keep your unsolicited opinions to your self.

Imagine: you've just suggested to someone that's 100+ pounds overweight that the effort they made to lose 4 pounds this week was not good for them. Wow.

I know, that's not what most of you mean (I hope), but if you'd ever been inside the mind of a fat person you'd understand what a comment like that does to our psyche. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

And the worst part? You preach it with such conviction – as if you're the first skinny person on the planet to come up with the theory. Consider who you're talking to here, people. There's not a damn thing you can "let us in on" regarding losing weight that we haven't already heard a million times before from a million different sources.

And you know what, maybe in the vacuum of metabolic nutrition it's perfectly true that losing over 2 pounds a week is... I can't even type it!?! It's just such an absolutely piss poor choice of a word. Surely, losing more than two pounds a week and waddling around town at over three hundred pounds cannot both be explained by the same word?

So short of skinny people keeping this little nugget of unwanted advice to themselves (fat chance), I'm proposing a new term for them to smugly use, since it seems to give them so much pleasure:

Losing more than 2 pounds in a week is unadvised.

See how easy that is? You still get to look like the smartass you think you are and our fragile minds are better able to draw the distinction between what is truly unhealthy and what is less than ideal.

That is all.