Weigh In - 2/27

I'm starting to see a pattern here: Two more pounds. Not bad, but frankly, I expected more after adding exercise to the program. And even though there are people running faster than I'm biking on the trail I frequent, each day I get a little faster and go a little further. I will admit my clothes feel like they're fitting a little better and I've started to sleep more soundly.

One other observation: I now understand the concept of spandex and biking. If I get a stiff headwind, my XXXL t-shirt puffs up like a sail and threatens to push me straight off the trail. That said, I still don't believe spandex and fat people mix, although I've noticed quite a few people out there that have yet to get that memo.

On to step four...

On Your Right

If you've ever tried to enjoy a walking trail or drive down a quiet neighborhood on a Saturday morning, you've undoubtedly seen them. They run red lights. Blow through stop signs. And position themselves just far enough into the street to prevent you from passing. They travel in packs - or pelotons, I learned, after stumbling upon the Tour de France on some obscure late-night cable channel last year.

They're bikers – not the Hells Angels, shiv you for looking at my old lady type, but the leg shaving, farmer blowing, be-spandexed type – and they are the bane of my existence.

Unfortunately for me, I live in the absolute worst neighborhood to have an issue with bicyclists. I live three blocks from a 10 mile hike and bike trail. And my hood is evidently a gateway from the trail to the rest of the biking universe. In short, I see them everywhere, all the time. I've almost run over at least a half dozen of them and only a couple on purpose.

I knew I was in trouble when my first trip to the neighborhood grocery store resulted in a check out line traffic jam with two cyclists trying to purchase energy bars with their bikes on their backs. Inside the store!?!

So what's a six foot five, three hundred pound lover of all things air-conditioned to do?

I considered vigilantism. Allowing every biker I saw the full respect of the road until I witnessed one rolling stop, one un-signaled turn, or one improper lane change. Then, I figured running them off the road and into a sticker bush would be justified. Admirable even. I'd be an asphalt hero - returning the road to the SUV's and Sports Cars it was paved for.

No, I decided the best way to beat them, was join them. Now don't get me wrong, I have no misguided intention of becoming the next Lance Armstrong. I WILL NOT be shaving my legs. And I'm pretty sure they don't make spandex in my size.

To get started, I called the area bike shops, told them about my considerable girth, and was pointed in the direction of a mean looking bike with a sticker price just less than a small car. Of course, much like clear coats and floor mats at the auto dealer, I was nowhere near done. There was the helmet. Water bottle. Headlights. Taillights. Air pump. Gloves. Seat cushion. All this, and the thing still can't stand up on its own. I guess kick stands stopped being cool in the third grade?

Once fully geared up I took the beast out for a spin and I have to say - its just as fun as I remember it being. So I've decided to make a 5-6 mile ride part of my exercise routine, hitting the open road (or trail) three times a week. I'll be the one that looks like a baseball trying to balance on a toothpick. And if you see me weaving through traffic or ignoring road signs, by all means, take your best shot.

Step 3 - Exercise

One of my favorite skinny lies is "just get off your fat butt and start moving - worry about your diet later." This is obviously someone who's never had to slather Vaseline between their legs so they don't rub themselves raw after a walk. Now I know there are plenty of skinny people out there that claim exercise is an appetite suppressant. And maybe it is... to them. Take it from someone with "fat"hand knowledge, exercise makes big people want to eat. A lot!

A few years ago I was in a slightly healthier place and worked out with a trainer a few times a week. It was nice to get my ass kicked by her workouts and I felt better about myself for doing them, but I never really lost any weight. I soon realized the problem. A few hours after working out I was ravenous. So I did what any self-respecting fat person would do – I stuffed my face to an even greater degree than I would have had I not worked out. After a few months, I felt like I was just pissing in the wind and stopped the sessions.

So do I think you have to exercise to lose weight?

Of course not. I've already lost four pounds by modifying my diet. I suspect a fat person could lose a substantial amount of weight with changes to their diet alone. But even if you go on a Gandhi regimen, at some point your body's going to figure out what you're up to and will adjust your metabolism accordingly. I think these are the proverbial walls dieters run into after initial periods of success. I also think the best way to crash through those walls is by exercise.

So, if I know exercise will make me hungry but I also know I need to do it in order to ultimately realize my goals, what's a fatty to do? I figure the best course of action is to take it slow. Very slow.

First off, given my overall level of health (or lack thereof), I've got no business suiting up for a marathon anyway. I'll take a walk around the block. Take the dog. Take the kids. Hopefully, it won't even feel like I'm doing anything healthy.

Second, too many off us hear "you should be exercising an hour a day," and so we hit the ground with both feet running. Then the muscles get sore. The body aches. The boss makes you work late. The next day it rains. It doesn't take much to get discouraged and throw in the towel.

Third, my hope is that by not trying to turn myself into Jack LaLanne overnight, I won't subject myself to any uncontrollable cravings for mass quantities of food.

So I've set an attainable goal of three times a week for thirty or so minutes at a time. A walk. A bike ride. I'll try to do it Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but if the weather or life in general doesn't cooperate I should easily be able to make it up another day. And I will try to remember this - the majority of the people I see out exercising don't look like they need to.

My goal is to become one of them...

Weigh In - 2/20

Another two pounds lost!

While I'm sure my body is going through some sort of upheaval given the fact its been cut off from the saturated fat, sodium, calories and carbs it's grown accustomed to being stuffed with, cutting fast food from my life was surprisingly easy to do.

As an added bonus, I'm finding money stays in my wallet a lot longer than it used to and my car no longer smells or looks like a dumpster behind fast food food row.

I must admit, I stopped by a Subway for lunch this week (I know some have drive-thrus, but not in my neck of the woods), and I have to say, that Jared might be on to something. When you cleanse your palette of the grease and slop of fast food joints, a Subway sandwich actually doesn't taste half bad. Or maybe I should say, if you get hungry enough, a sandwich from Subway tastes like Filet Mignon.

On to Step 3...

Step 2 - Fast Food

OK, so this one's a no brainer. Its bad for you – I don't need a degree in nutrition to figure that one out. Really bad.

I started eating fast food regularly when I started my own company. More specifically, when I started working out of an office by myself. A slight detour of my morning commute took me close enough to a McDonald's, Whataburger and Chick Fil-A. I started eating breakfast 2-3 times a week. Then lunch would come around. With no coworkers to grab a bite to eat with, it was back to fast food row, this time to Wendy's or Taco Bell. At first it was one or the other. But it wasn't long before there were days I ate breakfast at McDonalds and lunch at Taco Bell. Or breakfast at Whataburger and lunch at Wendy's. Worst of all, I was so ashamed to admit it that I forced down another meal at dinner with my family later that night. There were times it was hard for me to fall asleep I felt so disgustingly full.

So, without any real pearls of wisdom about fast food (other than don't eat it), I thought it might make for a little repulsive fun to view my fast food nutritional content on two of my worst days:

Really Bad Day
Breakfast at Whataburger
Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit - 500 calories and 32 grams of fat
Potato Egg & Cheese Taquito - 470 calories and 27 grams of fat
Large Coke - 410 calories

Lunch at Wendys
2 Texas Double Cheeseburgers - 600 calories and 37 grams of fat
Large Fries - 550 calories and 20 grams of fat
Large 32 oz Coke - 310 calories

This must be what I ate when I was subconsciously trying to "cut back" - only 2,800 calories and 116 grams of fat. Don't think it can get any worse than that?

Really, Really Bad Day
Breakfast at McDonalds
Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit - 520 calories and 30 grams of fat
Sausage Biscuit - 410 calories and 27 grams of fat
Large 32 oz. Coke - 310 calories

Lunch at Taco Bell
Nachos Bellgrande - 770 calories and 44 grams of fat
2 Soft Taco Supremes - 500 calories and 26 grams of fat
Large 44 oz. Mountain Dew - 510 calories

Wow! Over 3,000 calories and 127 grams of fat. And I haven't even eaten dinner yet!?! I think it's safe to assume that, including dinner, there's been a day or two when I've consumed 5,000 calories and 200 grams of fat. That's cramming about 2.5-3 days of calories and fat into one day!?!

So, there you have it - fast food = bloated death.*

*Before all you "convenience" food executives sick your lawyers on me, I know there are plenty of "healthier to almost healthy" options at most of these places. There's even Subway, where that former fatty Jared set up camp and lost two Olsen twins. But by the time I slather on the mayo, cheese and oil to make those cardboard sandwiches even remotely edible, I might as well be hitting the Burger King. All I can say is if it has a drive thru, I'm going to avoid it like the plague.

Weigh In - 2/13

I'm pleased to report that I've lost two pounds on the first week of The Rehab Diet. I've made no modifications to my lifestyle other than cutting out Coke.

This is uncharted territory for me. On my more extreme diets, it wasn't uncommon for me to drop up to 10 pounds in the first week. I realized going into this that the weight would come off slower, and I worried about staying motivated without those bigger results. But psychologically, knowing all I did to drop a few pounds was stop drinking Coke has me motivated to keep at it.

So on to Step 2...

Great Success!

I've never done heroin. I've been able to steer clear of crack cocaine my whole life. The only substance I've ever really had issues with is cigarettes and I was able to kick that habit in about 36 hours without any considerable adverse reaction.

Enter the devil's juice - Coca Cola. As noted in previous posts, my addiction to "real" Coke was brief but spectacular. I was a six pack a day user. I don't even want to think of the negative effect the buckets of high fructose corn syrup I downed daily had on my teeth, weight and insulin levels. I knew if I was going to lead a healthier lifestyle, Coke was not going to be in the picture. I also assumed it would be one of the easiest things to drop.

Boy was I wrong.

It started innocently enough, just a small headache sometime after noon on my first Coke-free day in years. It almost felt like an allergy headache, pulsing from deep within my sinus. By six o'clock, just moving my eyeballs from side to side produced excrutiating pressure and pain.

I felt groggy and tired. I felt feverish (although I never took my temperature). I went to sleep early that night, my head throbbing on the pillow, curled in the fetal position with a slight case of the shakes.

Could a soft drink have this kind of a hold over my life? Is 60+ ounces of Coke the only thing propping me up during the day?

I awoke the next morning with the lingering pain of the headache, still behind my eyes. Again, sometime late in the afternoon it became overbearing. I felt run down, but blessedly the shakes did not return.

All through my ordeal, I never really craved a Coke. I felt like having one might ease some of the pain, but it wasn't as if I had to have one. It wasn't until the day after a late night of drinking that I really craved a Coke. I substituted a Sprite, which has just as much carbonation and sugar, but no caffeine. At least it got me through the day.

So all told, it took me the full week to kick the habit. I'm drinking a lot more water, a Sprite every now and then (I'll be dropping all soft drinks later in the program), and don't really have any cravings.


I am pleased to report that I stopped at a Carl's Jr. on the road this weekend. I ordered the six dollar cheeseburger, a large fry and... a lemonade! Great success!


I think I'm going to like this diet...

Can't Lose Weight?

It'd be a whole lot cooler if you did.

Celebrities who expound on the tips and tricks that help them stay thin really get under my pudgy skin.

Exhibit A:

Sanctimonious poster boy of genetic perfection goes on a nationally televised talk show and says the secret to his physique is simply to "break a sweat at least once a day."

Really? I break a sweat getting dressed in the morning. I break a sweat walking to the refrigerator. And if its humid enough, I'll break a sweat just getting out of bed in the morning. And I'll be damned if I don't still weigh over three hundred pounds!

The point is well taken. Get off your fat ass and move a little. But to flash your best "aw shucks" grin, flex your substantial muscles and suggest to us fatties that all we need to do to look like you is go body surfing or do some beach yoga is more than I can handle.

Thanks for the tip.

Here's my advice for you: Try a little harder to find a movie role that doesn't involve tricking Kate Hudson, Sarah Jessica Parker or Kate Hudson (again) into falling for your smarmy ass and next time, just thank your parents for the genetic cocktail that produced your chiseled physique.

Good day sir...

Step 1 - Coke

I was raised in a "we're going to try our damndest to be healthy" household. That meant no "sugared" cereals, no candies or sweet treats and no "real" soft drinks. So I left the house for college with a pretty good handle on beverage consumption - I drank my fair share of milk and water and when I did have a soft drink, it was a Diet Coke.

Fast forward ten years. I'm married, my wife is pregnant and the doc is telling us the aspartame in diet soft drinks could be harmful to the baby and that its better to have one regular soft drink - caffeine and all - once a day. So I get home and clear the fridge of our doomsday-level supply of Diet Coke and replace it with regular Sprite (caffeine free) and some regular Coke.

At first the Coke tasted overly sweet and syrupy. I really didn't like it. Slowly but surely, my taste buds adjusted and trying to switch back to Diet Coke after our daughter was born was like trying to choke down a glass of sewer water. So the "real" Coke stuck around.

So much so, in fact, that I began drinking a Coke in the morning. I didn't (and still don't) drink coffee - I'm from the Coke generation, I reasoned. Just getting a little kick start to my day just like ma and pa did with their Folgers. Before long, I'm having a Coke (or two) at lunch and a Coke (or two) at dinner. Add that to my "starter" Coke and I'm on my way to a six pack a day habit.

Have you ever looked at the nutritional value (I use that term loosely) of a Coke? Check this out. The abridged version:

140 Calories per 12 oz. can and 39 grams of sugar (or high fructose corn syrup). That's right at 10 teaspoons of sugar! That means that the 32 oz. Coke at a fast food joint contains around 300 calories and 24 teaspoons of sugar (leaving room for some ice). And we haven't even gotten to the caffeine yet!?!

Bottom line, I'm probably consuming somewhere between 500-800 calories and 30-50 teaspoons of sugar a day in Coke alone. How I'm not a diabetic yet, I'll never know.

So with all apologies to the Coca-Cola Corporation, it's off with the Coke. Step one on the Rehab Diet.

The Rehab Diet

Drum role please...

Introducing The Rehab Diet, a 12-step program towards becoming less fat/unhealthy/whatever. Let me preface this by admitting I have no background in nutrition and I do not claim to be a weight loss guru. I am, however, medically obese and therefore believe that gives me the authority to speak on the subject matter. Keep in mind though, that this diet is brought to you by the same person who developed and tried the 3pm diet (eat anything you want, just nothing after 3pm).

So here's my new theory: you don't tell an alcoholic he has to drink to stop drinking. He just absolutely has to stop. That said, there are very few programs that advocate a gradual weaning off alcohol. Most employ a dramatic, cold turkey approach. I have tried in the past, with varying levels of success, to use a "cold-turkey" approach to weight loss. I cut virtually all consumption, as close to zero fat as possible and as few calories a day as I needed to remain upright. While I lost large amounts of weight very quickly, it's obviously not a lifestyle that can be stuck to and the weight slowly but surely crept back.

So my new idea is this - what if you took the concept of a cold turkey diet, but applied it over the course of 12 weeks?

Let me explain: First, pick 12 things you either do or don't do that contribute to your unhealthiness. These things can be obvious (I eat a slab of bacon every morning) or not so obvious (I always overeat at my sisters house). At the same time, some or all of the twelve things can also be positive (exercise 3 times a week), (drink more water), etc. Once you have your twelve negative or positive things figured out, you then put them in an order you think you can tackle, keeping in mind that some steps will naturally lead into another - exercising will more than likely lead to greater water consumption, for example.

Breaking up big things might also make sense. Obviously if you eat 3 fast food meals a day, you don't necessarily have to cut it all out at once. For instance, drop fast food dinner first, then breakfast, then lunch. Each time you drop or add something from or to your life, its considered a "step," and you tackle one step a week for twelve weeks.

My 12 steps:

1. Coke
2. Fast Food
3. Exercise 3 Times/Week
4. Drink 60 0z. Water/Day
5. Fried Foods
6. Soft Drinks
7. Green Tea/Day
8. Serving of Fish/Week
9. Breakfast Every Morning
10. Lean Protein over Red Meat
11. Exercise 5 Times/Week
12. Doctor's Appointment
    

What I've tried to do is gradually cut the truly horrible things I consume on a daily basis (Coke, Fast Food, Fried Food), then start adding in healthier things (Exercise, Water, etc.). Obviously this isn't rocket science - I'm doing less bad and adding more good. But by attacking it in this manner, I've given myself a tangible positive or negative to hang my hat on every week. My hope is that The Rehab Diet will trick me into adopting a healthier lifestyle.