Can't Lose Weight?

It'd be a whole lot cooler if you did.

Celebrities who expound on the tips and tricks that help them stay thin really get under my pudgy skin.

Exhibit A:

Sanctimonious poster boy of genetic perfection goes on a nationally televised talk show and says the secret to his physique is simply to "break a sweat at least once a day."

Really? I break a sweat getting dressed in the morning. I break a sweat walking to the refrigerator. And if its humid enough, I'll break a sweat just getting out of bed in the morning. And I'll be damned if I don't still weigh over three hundred pounds!

The point is well taken. Get off your fat ass and move a little. But to flash your best "aw shucks" grin, flex your substantial muscles and suggest to us fatties that all we need to do to look like you is go body surfing or do some beach yoga is more than I can handle.

Thanks for the tip.

Here's my advice for you: Try a little harder to find a movie role that doesn't involve tricking Kate Hudson, Sarah Jessica Parker or Kate Hudson (again) into falling for your smarmy ass and next time, just thank your parents for the genetic cocktail that produced your chiseled physique.

Good day sir...