Weigh In - 2/27

I'm starting to see a pattern here: Two more pounds. Not bad, but frankly, I expected more after adding exercise to the program. And even though there are people running faster than I'm biking on the trail I frequent, each day I get a little faster and go a little further. I will admit my clothes feel like they're fitting a little better and I've started to sleep more soundly.

One other observation: I now understand the concept of spandex and biking. If I get a stiff headwind, my XXXL t-shirt puffs up like a sail and threatens to push me straight off the trail. That said, I still don't believe spandex and fat people mix, although I've noticed quite a few people out there that have yet to get that memo.

On to step four...

On Your Right

If you've ever tried to enjoy a walking trail or drive down a quiet neighborhood on a Saturday morning, you've undoubtedly seen them. They run red lights. Blow through stop signs. And position themselves just far enough into the street to prevent you from passing. They travel in packs - or pelotons, I learned, after stumbling upon the Tour de France on some obscure late-night cable channel last year.

They're bikers – not the Hells Angels, shiv you for looking at my old lady type, but the leg shaving, farmer blowing, be-spandexed type – and they are the bane of my existence.

Unfortunately for me, I live in the absolute worst neighborhood to have an issue with bicyclists. I live three blocks from a 10 mile hike and bike trail. And my hood is evidently a gateway from the trail to the rest of the biking universe. In short, I see them everywhere, all the time. I've almost run over at least a half dozen of them and only a couple on purpose.

I knew I was in trouble when my first trip to the neighborhood grocery store resulted in a check out line traffic jam with two cyclists trying to purchase energy bars with their bikes on their backs. Inside the store!?!

So what's a six foot five, three hundred pound lover of all things air-conditioned to do?

I considered vigilantism. Allowing every biker I saw the full respect of the road until I witnessed one rolling stop, one un-signaled turn, or one improper lane change. Then, I figured running them off the road and into a sticker bush would be justified. Admirable even. I'd be an asphalt hero - returning the road to the SUV's and Sports Cars it was paved for.

No, I decided the best way to beat them, was join them. Now don't get me wrong, I have no misguided intention of becoming the next Lance Armstrong. I WILL NOT be shaving my legs. And I'm pretty sure they don't make spandex in my size.

To get started, I called the area bike shops, told them about my considerable girth, and was pointed in the direction of a mean looking bike with a sticker price just less than a small car. Of course, much like clear coats and floor mats at the auto dealer, I was nowhere near done. There was the helmet. Water bottle. Headlights. Taillights. Air pump. Gloves. Seat cushion. All this, and the thing still can't stand up on its own. I guess kick stands stopped being cool in the third grade?

Once fully geared up I took the beast out for a spin and I have to say - its just as fun as I remember it being. So I've decided to make a 5-6 mile ride part of my exercise routine, hitting the open road (or trail) three times a week. I'll be the one that looks like a baseball trying to balance on a toothpick. And if you see me weaving through traffic or ignoring road signs, by all means, take your best shot.

Step 3 - Exercise

One of my favorite skinny lies is "just get off your fat butt and start moving - worry about your diet later." This is obviously someone who's never had to slather Vaseline between their legs so they don't rub themselves raw after a walk. Now I know there are plenty of skinny people out there that claim exercise is an appetite suppressant. And maybe it is... to them. Take it from someone with "fat"hand knowledge, exercise makes big people want to eat. A lot!

A few years ago I was in a slightly healthier place and worked out with a trainer a few times a week. It was nice to get my ass kicked by her workouts and I felt better about myself for doing them, but I never really lost any weight. I soon realized the problem. A few hours after working out I was ravenous. So I did what any self-respecting fat person would do – I stuffed my face to an even greater degree than I would have had I not worked out. After a few months, I felt like I was just pissing in the wind and stopped the sessions.

So do I think you have to exercise to lose weight?

Of course not. I've already lost four pounds by modifying my diet. I suspect a fat person could lose a substantial amount of weight with changes to their diet alone. But even if you go on a Gandhi regimen, at some point your body's going to figure out what you're up to and will adjust your metabolism accordingly. I think these are the proverbial walls dieters run into after initial periods of success. I also think the best way to crash through those walls is by exercise.

So, if I know exercise will make me hungry but I also know I need to do it in order to ultimately realize my goals, what's a fatty to do? I figure the best course of action is to take it slow. Very slow.

First off, given my overall level of health (or lack thereof), I've got no business suiting up for a marathon anyway. I'll take a walk around the block. Take the dog. Take the kids. Hopefully, it won't even feel like I'm doing anything healthy.

Second, too many off us hear "you should be exercising an hour a day," and so we hit the ground with both feet running. Then the muscles get sore. The body aches. The boss makes you work late. The next day it rains. It doesn't take much to get discouraged and throw in the towel.

Third, my hope is that by not trying to turn myself into Jack LaLanne overnight, I won't subject myself to any uncontrollable cravings for mass quantities of food.

So I've set an attainable goal of three times a week for thirty or so minutes at a time. A walk. A bike ride. I'll try to do it Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but if the weather or life in general doesn't cooperate I should easily be able to make it up another day. And I will try to remember this - the majority of the people I see out exercising don't look like they need to.

My goal is to become one of them...

Weigh In - 2/20

Another two pounds lost!

While I'm sure my body is going through some sort of upheaval given the fact its been cut off from the saturated fat, sodium, calories and carbs it's grown accustomed to being stuffed with, cutting fast food from my life was surprisingly easy to do.

As an added bonus, I'm finding money stays in my wallet a lot longer than it used to and my car no longer smells or looks like a dumpster behind fast food food row.

I must admit, I stopped by a Subway for lunch this week (I know some have drive-thrus, but not in my neck of the woods), and I have to say, that Jared might be on to something. When you cleanse your palette of the grease and slop of fast food joints, a Subway sandwich actually doesn't taste half bad. Or maybe I should say, if you get hungry enough, a sandwich from Subway tastes like Filet Mignon.

On to Step 3...

Step 2 - Fast Food

OK, so this one's a no brainer. Its bad for you – I don't need a degree in nutrition to figure that one out. Really bad.

I started eating fast food regularly when I started my own company. More specifically, when I started working out of an office by myself. A slight detour of my morning commute took me close enough to a McDonald's, Whataburger and Chick Fil-A. I started eating breakfast 2-3 times a week. Then lunch would come around. With no coworkers to grab a bite to eat with, it was back to fast food row, this time to Wendy's or Taco Bell. At first it was one or the other. But it wasn't long before there were days I ate breakfast at McDonalds and lunch at Taco Bell. Or breakfast at Whataburger and lunch at Wendy's. Worst of all, I was so ashamed to admit it that I forced down another meal at dinner with my family later that night. There were times it was hard for me to fall asleep I felt so disgustingly full.

So, without any real pearls of wisdom about fast food (other than don't eat it), I thought it might make for a little repulsive fun to view my fast food nutritional content on two of my worst days:

Really Bad Day
Breakfast at Whataburger
Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit - 500 calories and 32 grams of fat
Potato Egg & Cheese Taquito - 470 calories and 27 grams of fat
Large Coke - 410 calories

Lunch at Wendys
2 Texas Double Cheeseburgers - 600 calories and 37 grams of fat
Large Fries - 550 calories and 20 grams of fat
Large 32 oz Coke - 310 calories

This must be what I ate when I was subconsciously trying to "cut back" - only 2,800 calories and 116 grams of fat. Don't think it can get any worse than that?

Really, Really Bad Day
Breakfast at McDonalds
Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit - 520 calories and 30 grams of fat
Sausage Biscuit - 410 calories and 27 grams of fat
Large 32 oz. Coke - 310 calories

Lunch at Taco Bell
Nachos Bellgrande - 770 calories and 44 grams of fat
2 Soft Taco Supremes - 500 calories and 26 grams of fat
Large 44 oz. Mountain Dew - 510 calories

Wow! Over 3,000 calories and 127 grams of fat. And I haven't even eaten dinner yet!?! I think it's safe to assume that, including dinner, there's been a day or two when I've consumed 5,000 calories and 200 grams of fat. That's cramming about 2.5-3 days of calories and fat into one day!?!

So, there you have it - fast food = bloated death.*

*Before all you "convenience" food executives sick your lawyers on me, I know there are plenty of "healthier to almost healthy" options at most of these places. There's even Subway, where that former fatty Jared set up camp and lost two Olsen twins. But by the time I slather on the mayo, cheese and oil to make those cardboard sandwiches even remotely edible, I might as well be hitting the Burger King. All I can say is if it has a drive thru, I'm going to avoid it like the plague.