Back With A Bang

First of all, let me apologize to the faithful readers of You Have To Eat... (all three or four of you). I had a crazy month and have been on a bit of a roller coaster lately adding and losing weight. What I'm learning is that weight loss is as much about the management of time as anything else (more on that to come later).

That out of the way, I thought I'd recount a recent experience that underscores that a healthier lifestyle isn't just manifested in pounds lost. Allow me to explain...

I took my three year old daughter on a field trip with her school last week. On our way home I asked if she wanted to go to lunch, and being three years old, she spent a few minutes mulling the pros and cons of Chuck E Cheese, Chick Fil-A and McDonald's. She finally decided on McyD's and demanded that we "dine-in" so that she could spend some quality time on the playground.

Having not eaten at a fast food joint in over 3 months (although I did stop and get a turkey sandwich at an Arby's a while back), I figured Chick Fil-A would be my best option. But when I tried to steer her in that direction, I was told chicken nuggets were "nasty." So we ended up at McDonald's where she proceeded to order... you guessed it, chicken nuggets. Then came my moment of truth. Was I going to try to maintain some level of healthiness - grilled chicken sandwich or salad - or just throw caution to the wind and strap on a good old fashioned #1 combo meal? Like a moth flying directly to a flame, I never had a chance.

So we sat down to enjoy our meal. Her with a box of chicken nuggets, small fries and apple "dippers," me with a Big Mac, large fry and barrel of Sprite. Besides the fact that I somehow located the only McDonald's in the English speaking world that does not have a playground, our meal together was pleasant.

I must admit, before starting the Rehab Diet, I judged the merit of a McDonald's on the saltiness of their fries. Nothing got my fat blood boiling like pulling away from the drive-thru only to realize the "Fry Guy" was chinzy with the salt. Now maybe it's because I don't eat them two to three times a day anymore or maybe this Fry Guy needs to go back to McUniversity, but these fries tasted like they'd been deep-fried in salt, dredged in a bed of sea salt then doused with numerous shakes of an industrial-sized salt shaker. They were almost inedible. The key word being "almost."

So I'm choking down the burger and salt sticks when I get an uncomfortable pang in my stomach. You know, the one that lets you know this isn't going to end well? I fought through it, though, and was just about finished when my bowels cramped up - letting me know that not only was this not going to end well, it was going to end soon. Very soon.

At this point I should let you in on the dining habits of my youngest daughter. She might possibly be the absolute slowest eater on the face of the planet. I can down a chicken nugget without chewing. I suspect the average human eats one in two bites. Granted she's three, but this child takes five or six bites around the nugget before even thinking about getting started on what's left. She eats each fry, one by one. Every tiny bite of apple is pain-stakingly dipped in caramel. All of this as she repeatedly turns in her seat to wave to the homeless guy dining behind us or the table of day laborers in front of us.

At this point, I'm considering asking either one if they mind keeping an eye on her while I sprint to the restroom. Instead, when she turns away, I start eating her food. Not surprisingly, this does not help the civil war raging in my bowels and elicits screams of disapproval from my daughter. Finally, I can take no more. I scoop up what's left of her lunch, throw her over my shoulder and make a run for the car. Strapped in her car seat and covered in McDonald's food, she is perfectly content as we squeal out of the parking lot and race home.

Thanks to a Mario Andretti-like display of driving, I made it (just barely) and the ensuing assault on my toilet was swift and unforgiving. I'll spare you any further detail, but suffice it to say, I don't think I'll be eating fast food again anytime soon.