Don't Call It A Comeback

Hi, it's me. Fatty Fatso McFatterson.

You remember me. I'm the guy that barely fits into clothes that double as pup tents. I'm the guy that doesn't take his shirt off at the beach out of fear some near-sighted paparazzo will mistake me for a topless Rosie O'Donnell. I'm the guy with more stretch marks than Kate Gosselin and more chins than a Chinese phone book. You know exactly who I am. I'm the guy you tried to kill.

But it didn't work did it? It never does. Oh sure, you lost a few pounds and actually made some "life changes," but at the end of the day, what do you have to show for it? A blog that was good for a few chuckles and the same sweaty, fat ass you've always had – plus a few pounds. When will you fatties learn to leave fat enough alone? How many times do we have to go through this before you give up? Surely you and I have enough history together for you to realize I cannot be defeated and I always come back. With a vengeance.

It was about this time last year when it all fell apart for you. Maybe it was the heat. Maybe the economy and the Great Recession and trying to eke out a living got in the way. Maybe you just got cocky, thinking you had this thing beat and you could put your feet up for a while.

Please...

I always comes back. In fact, I was never gone. I'm always here, just below the surface, fighting to be let out. They say "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Well, it's the same thing for fatties. But what makes it even more deliciously evil is fat people still have to eat. Imagine a drunk having to drink a couple of cocktails a day – but that's it. It'd be damn hard to stay on the wagon. Which is why you'll never, ever be able to get rid of me.

But I know you. Probably better than you know yourself. And there's something bubbling down below and it's not that Mexican appetizer platter you just destroyed. You're thinking of getting back in the game aren't you? You're going to give this another go. But this time will be different, right? This time you'll take it off and keep it off. This time you'll win.

Right...

Well saddle up fatty (if they make one big enough for ya) and let's do this thing. I look forward to the competition. But when you look up six months, a year, hell even five years from now, fatter than you are today, don't say I didn't warn you.

Hot enough for ya?

Its hot.

Damn hot.

And humid. Actually, humid isn't a strong enough word – it's just plain wet. You know what your bathroom feels like after a long, hot shower, when you can't see anything through the thick fog hanging in the air? That's what it feels like when I walk out my front door.

Then the wind starts whipping around and it feels like I live in a convection oven.

Its so oppressive it's actually sapping my will to live – and my desire to even think about exercising. All I want to do is turn on every fan in my house, turn the AC down to "meat locker" and curl up in the fetal position in a bathtub full of ice until November.

Not surprisingly, my outdoor workouts are suffering in both frequency and intensity. Which has led me to wonder two things:

1) Does working out in the heat burn more calories than in cooler temperatures?

and

2) At what point is it "too dangerous" to vigorously exercise outdoors

To find answers I tracked down an old Q&A with Mr. Cardio himself, Dr. Kenneth Cooper, who just so happens to live in the same stifling soup I do.

As for question #1: Yes, working out in extreme heat requires an additional expenditure of energy. I figured as much, since doing the same workout today feels much harder to trudge through than it did a few months ago.

Exposure to extreme heat accelerates your heart rate. Obviously, so does exercising. This creates a "synergistic" effect, or as Dr. Cooper explains, "one plus one equals three." So compared to working out in January, I'm burning more calories in the same amount of time in July. However, I'm also placing more of a strain on the ticker.

Which leads to question #2: At what point does that strain become dangerous? Well, obviously if you're 97 years old with a history of heart disease, going for a 15 mile run at 3pm in August in Texas might not be the best of ideas. But what about for a relatively healthy fat man in his mid-thirties?

Dr. Cooper claims that acclimatization is the key. If you begin to sweat soon after starting exercising (or in my case, soon after you start thinking about exercising), your body is well acclimated to the heat. Actually, the sooner you start to sweat, the less likely you are to suffer a heat related illness. So I can safely say I'm well-acclimated, but that doesn't mean there's no risk at all.

When Dr. Cooper was in charge of Air Force training in San Antonio, several recruits from the north died in the heat. He started a monitoring program and found rectal temperatures of those not acclimated reached as high as 106 degrees after just a two mile run (remind me never to participate in a heat exercise study). He then developed a system based on the heat and humidity to gauge the risk of heat related illnesses.

His basic guideline is this: if the combination of temperature and humidity exceeds 150, you should avoid vigorous exercise outdoors.

Living in a part of the country where the four seasons are Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas, this information is a little unsettling. For instance, at 8am this morning the temperature was 83 degrees and the humidity was 68%. That's already over the limit!?!

And although I'd like to to use this information to justify shelving my workouts for the next couple of months, the last thing I want to do is break this habit. So... along with making sure I'm drinking a ridiculous amount of water, I've made a few modifications to my routine: 1) I'm going later in the day - around 5:30 instead of 3:30. While its not any cooler temperature wise, the sun is much less intense and there's a lot more shade on the trail. 2) I've made my route a little shorter. I've cut a mile off my bike ride and about a half mile from my walk/jog. And 3) I'm easing up on the intensity. Walking more than jogging and dropping a gear or two on the bike. Maybe that washes out any additional heat calories I'm burning, but at this point of the year, my main goal is just to stay alive until the blessed cool winds of Christmas blow into town.

The Potted Plant Theory

Being over six feet tall in the sixth grade, I never had much luck finding age-appropriate clothing that fit me. While my friends ran around in Coca-Cola shirts, OP and JAMS, I was sporting a pinpoint button down from the Dillard's mens department. This had an obvious impact on my effectiveness with the ladies and added to what was already a considerable "awkward" stage of life. Imagine a kid dressed like a junior associate in a law firm who's too tall to play with his friends in the "ball pit" of Chuck E Cheese.

One of the few things that actually kept my weight in check in the past was the social pressures of "appropriate" clothing. I'm not talking high fashion here, but just simply being able to wear something that's currently "in-style." For instance, tight-fitting, one size too small shirts and flat front pants are a trend that's especially unfortunate for the fat man. I can only imagine how much worse this is for a female.

Sizes at most popular stores like Banana Republic and The Gap top out at a rare 2XL and they certainly don't take the freakishly tall into consideration. After that, the options get pretty slim (no pun intended). There's the Big & Tall clearance section at Steinmart or, God forbid, The Casual Male – which would be been fine if I lived on the Jersey shore and all my friends also wore oversized velour track suits.

In all honesty, if society didn't have any influence over me, I'd shuffle around in a Homer Simpson-esque muu muu house dress. But having to leave the house and go to work and see other humans out and about always provided just enough motivation to keep my weight somewhat in check.

But then I started working at home.

With no one to impress and no reason to leave the house, I'd roll out of bed and work all day in a t-shirt and boxers. Not surprisingly, my weight started to balloon. So much so that my biggest clothes started to grow tight. In search of more suitable attire, I stumbled upon the mecca of big man shopping in Dallas. Where many of the area's professional athletes shop, Rochester's is a store with very nice men's clothing that starts at XL and XLT's.

I was estatic! My rotund mid-section had been liberated, no longer bound and shackled by the restrictive confines of a 2XL shirt! I stocked up on 3XLT's and celebrated that for once in my life, I was able to wear "big" clothes that didn't come off a clearance rack. But then an interesting thing happened. It didn't take long before my new clothes started to feel a little tight. Did they get put in the drier? Did the dry cleaners mess them up? My bathroom scale revealed the true culprit – I'd gained weight. A lot of it.

This incident shocked me into dropping a few pounds until slowly the weight crept back up. And when my clothes got tight again, I just went back to the store and bought 4XLT's. Comfortable again, I didn't worry about my weight. But it wasn't long before I started filling them up as well. It was then that I recognized the transformative power of clothing, or what I like to call, The Potted Plant Theory.

Many plants will grow to the size of the pot they're planted in. Plant a bush in a small pot and it will grow to the size of a football. Put it in a large pot, and the same bush will grow two, three, even four times as big. If it's got the room to expand, it will.

It's my belief that this same thing happens with fat people and clothes.

Fatties are all about feeling comfortable in clothing. And when something is too tight or too short or just not fitting right, it can have a seriously negative impact on our state of mind. Our natural inclination is to cover what we're ashamed of with loose fitting clothes (most of us are painfully unaware that this makes us look even larger). What I learned the hard way was that the more comfortable I was in my clothes, the more weight I gained. Simply put, I was just growing into my pot.

So as I lose a few pounds, I've found myself moving down the rack of my closet to some of the clothes that I haven't been able to squeeze into in years. If I put on that shirt that's just a little too snug or the pants that I have to take a deep breath to get on, I find that it makes me feel fat. And since I do not particularly like to feel fat, it provides a little extra motivation to stick with the Rehab Diet.

Weigh In - 6/4

Its been a while since an "official" weigh in. Over the last month or so I've kept on the Rehab Diet, but with varying levels of intensity. Not surprisingly, my weight has fluctuated up and down (within about a 5 lb range). Overall, a little weight still came off over that time - which motivated me to refocus over the next four weeks before a vacation.

Today's weight: 274

Most encouragingly, I've now lost 30 lbs and reached the 10% threshold. A few significant changes I've noticed over the last three months:

• My wrist watch fits like a bracelet and my wedding ring no longer cuts off the circulation to my ring finger.
• I can wrap and cinch a standard bath towel around myself now. No more beach towels to take a shower.
• I can blow dry my daughter's hair (a hot, humid, half-hour ordeal) without looking like I've run a marathon.
• Overall, I don't sweat nearly as much as I used too. Despite what Matthew Mcconaughey thinks, I consider this a positive development.
• I'm down to the last hole in all my belts.
  
• I'm down almost 2XL's. 4XL looks like a pup tent on me now, 3XL is nice and roomy, and I'm actually squeezing into 2XL's.
  

Actually, I went "shopping" in my own closet last week looking for old clothes that I can fit in now. This got me thinking about the subject of my next post – something I call the Potted Plant Theory.

Stay tuned...

The Katy Trail

I thought it might be fun to create a "pictorial essay" of my daily trip on the Katy Trail (mostly because I didn't have the time to write anything this week). If you're feeling especially generous, visit the Friends of the Katy Trail site and donate some money for lighting. It might save me someday from getting rolled by a gang of hoodlums for my skips and my iPhone. Speaking of, I apologize for the picture quality - or lack thereof. The iPhone is many wonderful things - unfortunately, a quality camera is not one of them.

















Hazy, hot and humid. Another beautiful day for a ride...
















Knox Henderson Intersection - Try not to get hit by Mercedes SUV driving Park Cities soccer mom blabbing on her pink Blackberry and slurping a Mocha Grande Latte.

















Nice shade - perfect for those of us who are pigment challenged.

















No problem here, but somebody should chase down that dude on the unicycle that just blew past me.

















Further down the trail old railway bridges overpass the roads.

















Reverchon Park Overlook - Where I got engaged and was almost arrested for unknowingly soliciting gay sex (not on the same day).

















American Airlines Center - End of the line

















On the way back - up the hill this time...

















Knox Henderson - Again.

















I'd like to find the sadistic, skinny SOB who thought this was a cute idea and kick him square in the cherries.
















A special kind of torture. Almost home...

















With pleasure!

Back With A Bang

First of all, let me apologize to the faithful readers of You Have To Eat... (all three or four of you). I had a crazy month and have been on a bit of a roller coaster lately adding and losing weight. What I'm learning is that weight loss is as much about the management of time as anything else (more on that to come later).

That out of the way, I thought I'd recount a recent experience that underscores that a healthier lifestyle isn't just manifested in pounds lost. Allow me to explain...

I took my three year old daughter on a field trip with her school last week. On our way home I asked if she wanted to go to lunch, and being three years old, she spent a few minutes mulling the pros and cons of Chuck E Cheese, Chick Fil-A and McDonald's. She finally decided on McyD's and demanded that we "dine-in" so that she could spend some quality time on the playground.

Having not eaten at a fast food joint in over 3 months (although I did stop and get a turkey sandwich at an Arby's a while back), I figured Chick Fil-A would be my best option. But when I tried to steer her in that direction, I was told chicken nuggets were "nasty." So we ended up at McDonald's where she proceeded to order... you guessed it, chicken nuggets. Then came my moment of truth. Was I going to try to maintain some level of healthiness - grilled chicken sandwich or salad - or just throw caution to the wind and strap on a good old fashioned #1 combo meal? Like a moth flying directly to a flame, I never had a chance.

So we sat down to enjoy our meal. Her with a box of chicken nuggets, small fries and apple "dippers," me with a Big Mac, large fry and barrel of Sprite. Besides the fact that I somehow located the only McDonald's in the English speaking world that does not have a playground, our meal together was pleasant.

I must admit, before starting the Rehab Diet, I judged the merit of a McDonald's on the saltiness of their fries. Nothing got my fat blood boiling like pulling away from the drive-thru only to realize the "Fry Guy" was chinzy with the salt. Now maybe it's because I don't eat them two to three times a day anymore or maybe this Fry Guy needs to go back to McUniversity, but these fries tasted like they'd been deep-fried in salt, dredged in a bed of sea salt then doused with numerous shakes of an industrial-sized salt shaker. They were almost inedible. The key word being "almost."

So I'm choking down the burger and salt sticks when I get an uncomfortable pang in my stomach. You know, the one that lets you know this isn't going to end well? I fought through it, though, and was just about finished when my bowels cramped up - letting me know that not only was this not going to end well, it was going to end soon. Very soon.

At this point I should let you in on the dining habits of my youngest daughter. She might possibly be the absolute slowest eater on the face of the planet. I can down a chicken nugget without chewing. I suspect the average human eats one in two bites. Granted she's three, but this child takes five or six bites around the nugget before even thinking about getting started on what's left. She eats each fry, one by one. Every tiny bite of apple is pain-stakingly dipped in caramel. All of this as she repeatedly turns in her seat to wave to the homeless guy dining behind us or the table of day laborers in front of us.

At this point, I'm considering asking either one if they mind keeping an eye on her while I sprint to the restroom. Instead, when she turns away, I start eating her food. Not surprisingly, this does not help the civil war raging in my bowels and elicits screams of disapproval from my daughter. Finally, I can take no more. I scoop up what's left of her lunch, throw her over my shoulder and make a run for the car. Strapped in her car seat and covered in McDonald's food, she is perfectly content as we squeal out of the parking lot and race home.

Thanks to a Mario Andretti-like display of driving, I made it (just barely) and the ensuing assault on my toilet was swift and unforgiving. I'll spare you any further detail, but suffice it to say, I don't think I'll be eating fast food again anytime soon.

Weigh In - 4/9

Another week - another 4 pounds.

I'm at 282, tantalizingly close to the 270's. For some reason the 270's represent some monumental threshold for me. I think that's where I feel like I go from being really overweight to "my God, he's going to explode."

On a similar note, I'm starting to jiggle again. Now, I know for most of you skinny people who've struggled with 5-10 pounds your whole life, jiggling is actually a bad thing. But for the good and fat, our bodies can get so big and stretched to capacity that they hardly jiggle anymore. So I consider getting to the point where parts of my body are actually jiggling around again serious progress.

On to Step 10...

Step 9 - Breakfast

Eat breakfast.
Every day.

Skinny people claim eating breakfast every day is one of the most important things an overweight person can do to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Numerous studies show people who regularly eat breakfast lose more weight, consume fewer calories and fat overall during the day, exercise more and are better able to keep the weight off than those of us who skip out on the first meal of the day.

So if it's so good for us why is it so damn hard to do?

First and foremost, it takes time – something we all have precious little of in the morning. As much as I'd love to start my day with an egg white omelet with fresh veggies and a cup of oats, I'm not willing to sacrifice twenty minutes of sleep to get it.

Plus, I'm just not hungry right when I wake up or even before I leave the house for work. Which begs the question, why the hell did I used to stop for fast food every morning? As a fat man trying to shed a few pounds, it seems counter-intuitive to eat when I'm not hungry when I'm struggling the rest of the day to not eat when I am hungry.

But that's evidently the whole point. By "breaking the fast" in the morning, I'm less likely to gorge myself come lunchtime and I'm kick starting my metabolism for the day – something I must admit, scares the hell out of me. Eating begets eating with me, so I'm doubtful that having breakfast every morning will actually lead to me eating less.

Still, I've bought into the hype and have committed to forcing down breakfast every morning as Step 9. But what to eat? Much like everything else I've tried to do on the Rehab Diet, I know if I don't keep it simple I won't be able to stick with it. So it's got to be something I can make in less than two minutes and eat as I'm running around the house getting ready. Then it occurred to me when I read this article about the eight foods you should eat every day, that a certain frozen yogurt treat from my childhood would actually knock out half of them before 9am:

Yogurt
Nuts (Almonds, Walnuts, etc)
Oats
Blueberries

For those of you not familiar with the legendary Humphrey Yogurt from Counter Culture the basic recipe is unflavored real yogurt (it's got to have that twang), granola, fresh fruit and a drizzle of honey. To keep prep time to a minimum I've substituted the fresh fruit with a handful of mixed fruit (blueberry, strawberry, blackberry & raspberry) from a bag I keep in the freezer. It's quick and easy to make and tastes like I'm having dessert for breakfast.

How's that for getting a fat person to eat something in the morning?

Don't Eat That!!!

Or That! Or That!! And no matter what you do, don't ever eat that and that together!

Ever get tired of skinny people telling you what you can and cannot eat? Me too. First they told us to stop eating calories. Then it was fat. Then it was carbs. Carbs, they told us, were too easily broken down into simple sugars that wreak havoc inside our rotund bodies.

To make matters worse, these so called experts created the glycemic index – a handy little tool us fatties could use to see how everything from potatoes to oranges to carrots were spiking our sugar levels and making us tip the scales. Seriously. Carrots.

It's these kinds of absurd absolutes the diet machine spits out every few years that undermine the average fat persons understanding of food. By the time we've all purged our frigidaires of anything and everything orange, they've "tweaked" their warning by admitting what we already knew: eating a carrot is not quite the same as eating a handful of candy.

Remember Susan Powter and her truckload of potatoes? Has a particular food gone from canonized to vilified as swiftly and dramatically as the humble potato? Potato consumption in the US has yet to recover to pre-Atkins Diet levels — I still get a slight twinge of guilt every time I put a scoop on my plate. So we're eating less and less of them (except the french-fried variety), yet go figure, we're still getting fatter and fatter.

Could it be that the particular food is not the problem - the amount of the food is?

To tell a fat person a carb is not his friend is to take away one of his biggest allies in weight control. Not that I expect any of these nutritionists or trainers to understand, but when you're big, you're hungry. And what gives a fat person the biggest bang for the buck when he's hungry? Some good old fashioned carbs. And I'm not talking about the "good" carbs or even the "better" carbs. I'm talking (cover your ears skinny people) white bread, white pasta and white rice.

Yeah, I said it. But before you start in again, walk a mile in my 3XL shirt and then come talk to me about never eating a "bad" carb again.

Italians eat pasta all the time. The Japanese live on rice. Yet neither of these cultures has anywhere close to the obesity issue America has. Why? They don't eat anywhere close to the same amount we do in one sitting. A pasta plate in Italy is actually a second course and about two to three ounces served before the meat. Ever see the "bowl" of rice Japanese people have with their meals? It's about the size of a coffee cup – think old and porcelain, not the mega-latte-grande's we down every day.

Depsite my philosophy on the Rehab Diet, I don't believe I have to stop eating anything in particular (especially pasta and rice) to lose weight. I just have to eat less of it. This gal ate McDonalds for two months and lost 18 pounds. She wanted to prove with a little common sense, the documentary Super Size Me wouldn't have been nearly as entertaining.

My problem is I don't have enough common sense (or self control) to go to McDonalds everyday and not strap on a Big Mac and shoe box full of French Fries. But that doesn't mean I think the potato is evil. Or the bun or even the meat.

So what's obvious to me – but evidently, to no one else in the diet industry – is that good food is good for you. And too much of anything isn't.

Weigh In - 4/2

286 and back on track - 4 pounds lost for the week (skinny people, please read this before commenting).

Full Disclosure: I've actually started exercising more than 3 times a week even though I'm not slated to start that for a couple more weeks.

As I stated at the onset of the Rehab Diet, my hope is that after the twelve weeks are over some of these good steps will have evolved into good habits. It appears that the exercise and water are starting to stick.

I've been exercising around the same time every day and a few weeks ago I started getting restless about that time on the days I wasn't working out. I figured what the hell, and before I knew it, I was going five times a week. I'm not holding myself to that until Step 11, but I'm encouraged by the fact that I'm "skipping ahead" even though I don't have to.

On to Step 9...

Step 8 - Fish

Eat more fish.

Why? Just look at the Japanese. Widely regarded as one of the healthiest people on the planet, they live longer than the rest of the world and their rate of obesity is just 3% compared to over 30% in the US.

They drink a lot of tea (which I've already extolled the virtues of), eat a lot of rice (Carbs!?! A lot of them? And they live longer? Have American nutritionists gotten this memo yet!?!) and a ton of fish. The Japanese people make up just 2% of the world's population, yet consume over 10% of the fish.

The American Heart Association recommends eating two servings of fish a week because of the benefits of Omega-3 fatty acids, which:

• decrease risk of arrhythmias, which can lead to sudden cardiac death
• decrease triglyceride levels
• decrease growth rate of atherosclerotic plaque
• lower blood pressure (slightly)

One other benefit - a serving of fish is most likely replacing a serving of meat that's higher in saturated fat and calories.

Of course, not all fish are created equal. It's the "fatty" fish that contain the highest concentration of Omega-3 fatty acids. These include mackerel, lake trout, herring, sardines, albacore tuna and salmon. Halibut, flounder and cod are not as Omega-3 rich, but contain higher levels than "lean" fish like snapper and catfish.

But just like everything that's supposedly "good" for us, there is a flip side. Fish can contain large amounts of contaminants, most specifically mercury. Some skinny people even go so far as to advocate avoiding fish altogether (although, this guy admits his real concern is for the "poor fish" being eaten). According to Walter Willett, professor of nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health, the benefits of eating seafood "are likely to be at least 100-fold greater than the estimates of harm, which may not exist at all."

Good enough for me - I'm adding at least one serving of fish a week. And no, fried catfish does not count. I already checked.

Smoke Yourself Thin

I'm in bed a few nights ago, past midnight, wide awake. I'm jittery and antsy and can't seem to relax. The next night, the exact same thing. What the hell is going on?

At first I reasoned my new healthier lifestyle was simply resulting in an increased level of energy. I've noticed a huge difference in my energy level in almost all facets of my life. I used to think I was just a naturally lazy person. Evidently, I was just fat.

Still, I've been sleeping VERY well since starting the Rehab Diet and haven't had any trouble falling asleep at a reasonable hour (on average, about an hour earlier). Then it dawned on me - the tea! My restlessness started just a few days after introducing Green Tea into my diet. Could a single cup of tea with a relatively low amount of caffeine be keeping me up fifteen hours later?

A 1984 report from the AMA Council on Scientific Affairs states, " Moderate tea or coffee drinkers probably need to have no concern for their health relative to their caffeine consumption provided other lifestyle habits (diet, alcohol consumption) are moderate, as well." - (Ref.: International Food Information Council)

So my overall health is not in peril, but what about my ability to get to sleep at night? Caffeine is absorbed by the body very quickly and has a half life of approximately five hours which means that by nightfall, my body should be caffeine-free. Still, I decided to stop drinking tea and see if it made a difference – and it did. Since shelving the green tea, I've had no problems getting or staying asleep.

Maybe this is all in my head. Or maybe I was jacked up for some completely unrelated reason. Or maybe my body has grown hyper-sensitive to caffeine since coming off it. Whatever it is, I've decided the supposed weight loss benefits of tea just aren't worth the caffeine. Which got me thinking: If caffeine-free tea doesn't contain the same "benefits," are the Green Tea's and Wulong's and Oolong's and Wu Tang's that claim to aid in weight loss simply pumping a little extra caffeine in your system?

Early over the counter diet pills contained massive amounts of caffeine. As a stimulant and a diuretic, many have made the link between caffeine and an increased metabolism and suppressed appetite. This is no doubt why foods that contain caffeine naturally have been hyped as "safe" alternatives to aid in weight loss. Add an ancient Chinese proverb proclaiming it's miraculous benefits, and you've got a multi-billion dollar industry on your hands.

Unfortunately for those of us looking for a quick fix, the scientific studies suggesting a link between weight loss and tea come with a disclaimer: "by virtue of its high content of caffeine." In other words, this stuff is great, but no caffeine = no weight loss.

There's another highly addictive stimulant that jacks up your heart rate and is a natural diuretic. Who knows, maybe one day "Smoke Yourself Thin" will be just as popular as these Tea Diets are today.


DISCLAIMER: I understand green tea is chocked full of beneficial antioxidants that most fatties would do well to get more of. However, most of those benefits can be obtained through other foods (or even supplements) without the negative side effects of caffeine. Am I being way too hyper-critical of a little bit of caffeine in the system? Maybe, but coming off it was enough to convince me I don't want anything to do with it. Besides, as most advocates of the wonders of tea admit, just one cup isn't going to be that beneficial.

Weigh In - 3/26

My vacation from the 290's didn't last very long.

For the first time since starting the Rehab Diet, I've gained weight in a week: I'm up one pound and back to 290. This is no doubt a result of my weekend of debauchery, and quite frankly, I was expecting worse.

While frustrating, I was never naive enough to believe I would make it through the entire twelve weeks without a blemish on my record. Keeping that in mind, I don't see the need to unduly punish myself for the transgression. I'm over it, thankful I didn't do more damage than I did and ready to jump back in the saddle.

On to Step 8...

Wheels Off

I spent a weekend at home (as in where I grew up, not my domicile) over the Easter holiday. Sounds innocent enough, right?

Until you find out where home is: the great state of Louisiana.

That's right, where excess is more than a word, it's a lifestyle. They eat too much. Drink too much. Party too much. Eat a little more. Drink a little more. Smoke them if they've got them. Then they wake up in the morning (or early afternoon), fix a Bloody Mary and start all over again. Length of life vs. quality of life really isn't much of a debate in Louisiana: skinny and sober is no way to go through life.

And while I tend to agree with that little nugget of wisdom, I left Texas with a steel resolve not to let the weekend get the better of me. Avoiding a stop at McDonald's for the kids on the way out of town was a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, that's about all that went well.

I overate Friday at dinner. Overdrank Friday night. Ate my body weight in crawfish, potatoes, corn and sausage on Saturday. Ate deviled eggs and birthday cake at a party later that evening (God that sounds disgusting). Overdrank again Saturday night. Ate two plates of lunch on Easter Sunday. Stole a couple of handfuls of candy from the kids baskets. And the cherry on top: stopped at a Mexican restaurant on the way back into town!?!

Needless to say, I broke several "Steps" on the Rehab Diet, and as much as I'd like to blame the state itself, or my food-centric family or some deep-seeded psychological issue from my upbringing - it was all me. Just big, beautiful me.

Most discouraging of all was that even when faced with what should have been a perfectly reasonable meal, I ended up over doing it. BBQ chicken and a lump of potato salad doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Refilling the plate three times does.

So was this the inevitable binge certain skinny people warn against? Maybe, although I think it further illustrates my point that simply eating less from a table piled with bad food is incredibly hard to do. Hell, just eating less period is hard enough for the fat person, much less when faced with the temptation of something that is less than ideal. I'm sure I'm not the only fatty whose mind fires off signals that once the seal has been broken, I might as well go "all in." Knowing this about myself, cutting out the foods that plague me altogether seems like the best course of action.

But I realize avoiding contact with these foods is not a reasonable long term option. Holidays. Parties. Vacations. Restaurants. At some point they'll rear their ugly heads. And while ultimately my goal is not to deny myself an occasional pleasure, I've got to get my brain wrapped around the idea of moderation.

I've got all or nothing down pat. Its the middle that's a bitch.

Step 7 - Green Tea

What's so great about green tea? Evidently, everything.

Besides claims that green tea helps prevent and/or alleviate the symptoms of depression, headaches, cancer, arthritis, high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, infections and immune deficiencies, The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition released a study in 1999 that revealed drinking green tea can actually aid in weight loss.

I was pointed in the direction of green tea for issues relating to cholesterol because it's one of the few foods or drinks that actually lowers bad cholesterol and raises good cholesterol at the same time.

So what is the source of these miraculous powers? Green tea is rich in catechin polyphenols (or epigallocatechin gallate to be more specific). In semi-plain English – some bad-ass anti-oxidants.

There's quite a bit of debate as to what the ideal daily amount of green tea is - everything from a couple of cups to ten cups or more. Considering green tea contains caffeine (albeit, much less so than coffee or your standard soft drink), I was hesitant to start knocking it back by the gallon.

Luckily, there are a few decaffeinated green tea options out there as well, but I wanted to make sure none of the health benefits were also stripped out in the process. And wouldn't you know it, they are. I also found that "caffeine free" is not entirely accurate when it comes to green tea – despite the bold claim on the packaging, it's evidently impossible to 100% decaffeinate green tea.

So I've decided on one cup every morning, but I have to say this research has dampened my enthusiasm a bit for this "super drink." A) I'm subjecting my body to caffeine again for the first time in almost two months and B) it seems one cup a day might not be nearly enough to reap any of the supposed health benefits.

Still, I'm subscribing to the belief that a little bit is better than nothing at all and keeping my fingers crossed that the caffeine content in green tea is low enough so as not to cause the same problems I had with Coke.

zài jiàn!

Doing It "Healthy"

No, this isn't that kind of blog.

I'm talking about losing weight the healthy way, whatever that may be.

First, a disclaimer: In no form or fashion do I advocate the practice of vomiting, laxatives, diuretics, stimulants or any other "fat-annihilating" pills purchasable off late night TV. To me, engaging in something life-threatening in an attempt to overcome something life-threatening is pointless. It's robbing Peter to pay Paul.

That said, it never fails - anytime I start a diet or weight loss effort or whatever, some skinny person is all too eager to let me know what I'm doing is unhealthy. As if walking around at three bills is? I boast about losing 4 pounds in a week and the bird-like pissant chirps that anything more than 2 pounds is unhealthy. Despite the fact that I can have a bowel movement over two pounds, losing any more than that in a week is somehow bad for me? Surely there's some law of proportion here, but skinny people preach this one like it's the eleventh commandment.

MEMO TO SKINNY PEOPLE:
We're all very impressed that when you try to turn your last five pounds of flab into muscle you eat six small meals a day and keep your weight loss to minuscule amounts. But if it's all the same to you, just let us go on our "unhealthy" way and keep your unsolicited opinions to your self.

Imagine: you've just suggested to someone that's 100+ pounds overweight that the effort they made to lose 4 pounds this week was not good for them. Wow.

I know, that's not what most of you mean (I hope), but if you'd ever been inside the mind of a fat person you'd understand what a comment like that does to our psyche. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

And the worst part? You preach it with such conviction – as if you're the first skinny person on the planet to come up with the theory. Consider who you're talking to here, people. There's not a damn thing you can "let us in on" regarding losing weight that we haven't already heard a million times before from a million different sources.

And you know what, maybe in the vacuum of metabolic nutrition it's perfectly true that losing over 2 pounds a week is... I can't even type it!?! It's just such an absolutely piss poor choice of a word. Surely, losing more than two pounds a week and waddling around town at over three hundred pounds cannot both be explained by the same word?

So short of skinny people keeping this little nugget of unwanted advice to themselves (fat chance), I'm proposing a new term for them to smugly use, since it seems to give them so much pleasure:

Losing more than 2 pounds in a week is unadvised.

See how easy that is? You still get to look like the smartass you think you are and our fragile minds are better able to draw the distinction between what is truly unhealthy and what is less than ideal.

That is all.

Weigh In - 3/19

3 more pounds and the 290's in the rear view mirror. May I never see them again.

Actually, I didn't know the 290's that well. They were really just a blur each time I shot to and above 300 pounds. And the several times I've fought my way out of them, it's been relatively painless and quick. Still, I'm hopeful I've fought that battle for the last time.

One other milestone - I'm past the 15 pound threshold. OK, so that's really just a deck chair off the Titanic at this point, but it's 5% of my body weight lost in six weeks. I'll take it.

On to step 7...

Step 6 - Soft Drinks

My thoughts on Coke and soft drinks in general have been covered extensively in previous posts. Needless to say, I truly believe soft drinks are... well, needless.

A fun, related side trip: Death By Caffeine

To my credit, I've virtually eliminated soft drinks from my repertoire since starting the Rehab Diet. But there's one instance where I contradict myself and can't seem to shake them: as alcoholic mixers. I seldom drink during the week but my consumption on an average weekend night (usually just once a weekend) might best be described as "a lot" to "too much."

Yes, I know, that's a lot of wasted calories. And I must admit, the days I have the most trouble sticking to my plan are those after a night of heavy drinking. Plenty of skinny people have told me I have to stop drinking alcohol altogether to lose weight. Well, that's obviously another lie :-) I've lost 15 pounds drinking once or twice a week. But Step 6 still presents a challenge.

Since week one I've successfully avoided Coke as a mixer and switched to 7-Up or Sprite. All well and good for being faithful to the Rehab Diet, but the sugar and calories are still there (I've tried to switch back to Diet Soft Drinks and I just can't do it. That "fake" sweet taste completely repulses me now. More proof that the taste buds can be trained and re-trained!). So with ALL soft drinks now off the menu, what's a borderline binge drinker to do?

At first I reasoned with myself that a switch to Tonic Water would be OK. I'm a fan of the Gin & Tonic and that's not a soft drink, right? But that's really just jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire - Tonic has just as much sugar and calories as 7-Up.

So in the true spirit of the Rehab Diet, I think I really only have one option here (other than the "not an option" of not drinking alcohol at all): switch to water or calorie-free sparkling water. Or maybe skip the mixer altogether and switch to wine. Hell, I'm sure it won't be long before I'm knocking 'em back straight up! There's progress for you.

I Can Make You... Less Fat?

So several people have brought to my attention a new weight loss guru making the scene. His name is Paul McKenna and he's British and the name of his book/show/system is "I Can Make You Thin."

Really? Short of moving me to Ethiopia and restricting my diet to rancid water and flies, I will never in my life be "thin." Thinner? Hopefully. Healthier? God willing, but in the words of a nurse I once had, "Boy, you thick!"

Look at Oprah. Poor woman has got more money than most small to medium size countries, access to the best nutritionists and health food chefs money can buy plus a small army of trainers and motivational gurus and she's still not anywhere close to being "thin!" She never will be. And despite what this cheeky bastard claims, most of us never will be either.

This is one of my biggest problems with skinny people telling fat people what to do. Something as innocuous as the title of this guy's show is already setting up half of America for failure. But there us fatties go, snapping up his books like they're the last three shrimp in an all you can eat buffet. I'm guessing I Can Make You Less Fat wouldn't fly off the shelves nearly as well.

Also, I don't see anywhere in his bio that this guy has ever had anything resembling an issue with his own weight. Now don't get me wrong, not all skinny people are idiots. But let's say you need brain surgery. Are you going to the guy that's got some interesting theories on the subject or the guy that's actually done it? Exactly.

OK, rant over, on to what this guy is all about.

His golden rules are:
1. When you are hungry, eat.
2. Eat what you want.
3. Eat consciously.
4. When you think you are full stop.

Basically eat whatever you want, just eat less of it. Simple enough, and on the surface sounds reasonable, but I've got a few issues with it from a fatty's perspective (big surprise, I know).

1. Eat when I'm hungry?
We've established long ago fat people are ALWAYS hungry. But I can eat all the time and you can still make me thin? Excellent!
2. Eat whatever I want?
Isn't that what made me fat in the first place? Should I not at least try to mix in a salad or serving of vegetables every once in a while?
3. Eat slower and not in front of the TV or in your car.
Fair enough.
4. Stop when I'm full?
Sorry, I can't stop laughing... see number one.

I get what he's saying. If you only eat when you "need" to, don't plow through your plate and don't restrict yourself, you're much less likely to binge and you'll drop a few pounds. But make a fat person thin? C'mon. Plus, all of this is a helluva lot easier said by a skinny than done by a fatty.

Which leads me to his most incredulous claim: that his system requires no will power. Are you kidding me? I can starve myself for a week easier than I can shove away from a half eaten double cheeseburger or chicken fried steak staring me right in the face.

Personally, I have to get what's bad for me out of the picture. I'm not claiming I won't ever eat at a fast food joint or have a piece of fried chicken again, but once I start a step, that bad choice is completely taken off the table for the rest of the twelve weeks. Imagine putting this guy's same rules in place for a drunk:

1. Drink whenever you feel thirsty.
2. Drink whatever you want.
3. Drink consciously.
4. Stop when you start to feel a little drunk.

Sounds like a great way to kick the habit doesn't it? A true addiction or not, I believe most fat people's "abuse" of food is nothing but a bad habit. And just as bad habits are ingrained over time, good habits can be too. Cutting the unhealthy choices I make out of my life altogether one at a time gets rid of the temptations. Yes, it's hard. As hell! But like an alcoholic to booze, it's just not an option anymore.

Plus, I'm finding as I avoid foods that aren't good for me, I'm losing the taste for them. You could set an IV drip of salt, sugar and grease into me a couple of months ago. Today, these former "staples" sound much less appealing.

So, in conclusion: No, I do not think Paul McKenna can make me "thin" which makes him just another skinny person telling lies to fat people.

Weigh In - 3/12

Another successful week on the Rehab Diet: Three pounds lost, for a grand total of 13 pounds.

As I start my sixth week and the half way point of my steps, I thought I'd provide an update on my previous steps to date:

1. Coke - Have not had a Coke.
2. Fast Food - Have successfully avoided all Fast Food.
3. Exercise - Biking 6-7 miles or walking 2-3 miles three times a week.
4. Water - 60 oz. (at least) a day and too many trips to the bathroom to count.
5. Fried Foods - Just started, and definitely doing better than my past history, but have yet to fully "kick the habit."

On to step six...