Smoke Yourself Thin

I'm in bed a few nights ago, past midnight, wide awake. I'm jittery and antsy and can't seem to relax. The next night, the exact same thing. What the hell is going on?

At first I reasoned my new healthier lifestyle was simply resulting in an increased level of energy. I've noticed a huge difference in my energy level in almost all facets of my life. I used to think I was just a naturally lazy person. Evidently, I was just fat.

Still, I've been sleeping VERY well since starting the Rehab Diet and haven't had any trouble falling asleep at a reasonable hour (on average, about an hour earlier). Then it dawned on me - the tea! My restlessness started just a few days after introducing Green Tea into my diet. Could a single cup of tea with a relatively low amount of caffeine be keeping me up fifteen hours later?

A 1984 report from the AMA Council on Scientific Affairs states, " Moderate tea or coffee drinkers probably need to have no concern for their health relative to their caffeine consumption provided other lifestyle habits (diet, alcohol consumption) are moderate, as well." - (Ref.: International Food Information Council)

So my overall health is not in peril, but what about my ability to get to sleep at night? Caffeine is absorbed by the body very quickly and has a half life of approximately five hours which means that by nightfall, my body should be caffeine-free. Still, I decided to stop drinking tea and see if it made a difference – and it did. Since shelving the green tea, I've had no problems getting or staying asleep.

Maybe this is all in my head. Or maybe I was jacked up for some completely unrelated reason. Or maybe my body has grown hyper-sensitive to caffeine since coming off it. Whatever it is, I've decided the supposed weight loss benefits of tea just aren't worth the caffeine. Which got me thinking: If caffeine-free tea doesn't contain the same "benefits," are the Green Tea's and Wulong's and Oolong's and Wu Tang's that claim to aid in weight loss simply pumping a little extra caffeine in your system?

Early over the counter diet pills contained massive amounts of caffeine. As a stimulant and a diuretic, many have made the link between caffeine and an increased metabolism and suppressed appetite. This is no doubt why foods that contain caffeine naturally have been hyped as "safe" alternatives to aid in weight loss. Add an ancient Chinese proverb proclaiming it's miraculous benefits, and you've got a multi-billion dollar industry on your hands.

Unfortunately for those of us looking for a quick fix, the scientific studies suggesting a link between weight loss and tea come with a disclaimer: "by virtue of its high content of caffeine." In other words, this stuff is great, but no caffeine = no weight loss.

There's another highly addictive stimulant that jacks up your heart rate and is a natural diuretic. Who knows, maybe one day "Smoke Yourself Thin" will be just as popular as these Tea Diets are today.


DISCLAIMER: I understand green tea is chocked full of beneficial antioxidants that most fatties would do well to get more of. However, most of those benefits can be obtained through other foods (or even supplements) without the negative side effects of caffeine. Am I being way too hyper-critical of a little bit of caffeine in the system? Maybe, but coming off it was enough to convince me I don't want anything to do with it. Besides, as most advocates of the wonders of tea admit, just one cup isn't going to be that beneficial.

I Can Make You... Less Fat?

So several people have brought to my attention a new weight loss guru making the scene. His name is Paul McKenna and he's British and the name of his book/show/system is "I Can Make You Thin."

Really? Short of moving me to Ethiopia and restricting my diet to rancid water and flies, I will never in my life be "thin." Thinner? Hopefully. Healthier? God willing, but in the words of a nurse I once had, "Boy, you thick!"

Look at Oprah. Poor woman has got more money than most small to medium size countries, access to the best nutritionists and health food chefs money can buy plus a small army of trainers and motivational gurus and she's still not anywhere close to being "thin!" She never will be. And despite what this cheeky bastard claims, most of us never will be either.

This is one of my biggest problems with skinny people telling fat people what to do. Something as innocuous as the title of this guy's show is already setting up half of America for failure. But there us fatties go, snapping up his books like they're the last three shrimp in an all you can eat buffet. I'm guessing I Can Make You Less Fat wouldn't fly off the shelves nearly as well.

Also, I don't see anywhere in his bio that this guy has ever had anything resembling an issue with his own weight. Now don't get me wrong, not all skinny people are idiots. But let's say you need brain surgery. Are you going to the guy that's got some interesting theories on the subject or the guy that's actually done it? Exactly.

OK, rant over, on to what this guy is all about.

His golden rules are:
1. When you are hungry, eat.
2. Eat what you want.
3. Eat consciously.
4. When you think you are full stop.

Basically eat whatever you want, just eat less of it. Simple enough, and on the surface sounds reasonable, but I've got a few issues with it from a fatty's perspective (big surprise, I know).

1. Eat when I'm hungry?
We've established long ago fat people are ALWAYS hungry. But I can eat all the time and you can still make me thin? Excellent!
2. Eat whatever I want?
Isn't that what made me fat in the first place? Should I not at least try to mix in a salad or serving of vegetables every once in a while?
3. Eat slower and not in front of the TV or in your car.
Fair enough.
4. Stop when I'm full?
Sorry, I can't stop laughing... see number one.

I get what he's saying. If you only eat when you "need" to, don't plow through your plate and don't restrict yourself, you're much less likely to binge and you'll drop a few pounds. But make a fat person thin? C'mon. Plus, all of this is a helluva lot easier said by a skinny than done by a fatty.

Which leads me to his most incredulous claim: that his system requires no will power. Are you kidding me? I can starve myself for a week easier than I can shove away from a half eaten double cheeseburger or chicken fried steak staring me right in the face.

Personally, I have to get what's bad for me out of the picture. I'm not claiming I won't ever eat at a fast food joint or have a piece of fried chicken again, but once I start a step, that bad choice is completely taken off the table for the rest of the twelve weeks. Imagine putting this guy's same rules in place for a drunk:

1. Drink whenever you feel thirsty.
2. Drink whatever you want.
3. Drink consciously.
4. Stop when you start to feel a little drunk.

Sounds like a great way to kick the habit doesn't it? A true addiction or not, I believe most fat people's "abuse" of food is nothing but a bad habit. And just as bad habits are ingrained over time, good habits can be too. Cutting the unhealthy choices I make out of my life altogether one at a time gets rid of the temptations. Yes, it's hard. As hell! But like an alcoholic to booze, it's just not an option anymore.

Plus, I'm finding as I avoid foods that aren't good for me, I'm losing the taste for them. You could set an IV drip of salt, sugar and grease into me a couple of months ago. Today, these former "staples" sound much less appealing.

So, in conclusion: No, I do not think Paul McKenna can make me "thin" which makes him just another skinny person telling lies to fat people.